Full moon

I wish to have a right man accompany me, to sit next to me, to send same prayer as I do. 

I wish to walk with him under the moonlight and feeling content. 

I wish I'm sure that I'm doing things right. 

All these wishes are coming true. 

Skripsi featuring Kopiku yang Berantakan

I read too many things, listened too many stories, also watched too many videos which not belong to what I exactly need. I left the thing that really matter there on the table while my head was actually full of that stuff. The thesis.

I poured my cup boiled water and the water turns black. I love how it smells. I stirred it rough.  I thought I need to finish this activity as fast as possible. The thesis was waiting for me.

This is funny. Lately I just keep on telling myself that graduate fast has no correlation with any source of money. I don’t know whether it is true or not. But back then today I found myself sick of it. Normally, people are graduated on their 4^th year in college. I’ve spend 3 and a quarter years and somehow feels kicked in the ass, pushed to immediately go out of my own campus. Its not that I hate my college life, or my college life hates me.  Its ……… I don’t know, my friends are graduating too early and I don’t want to be a snail among the rabbits.

I remembered that time when I got back from living-in-a-village-for-one-month program, some friends had just done the seminar of their research proposal. Again, when I got back to campus after 2 weeks in the IMF and World Bank Annual Meeting, I saw a friend taking pictures with all those flowers and congraduation and “balon S.E”. I cursed her. I cursed myself.

Other day I thought about why should I chase people. I have a good time to do everything I wished to do previously, as a pre-adult person, under the label: student. I told you once, I read books, and none of them pursue everybody to graduate fast but here I am working in a hurry to finish my last chapter.

I don’t want to complain about how my progress are going. This actually happen to all the students in general, I tell you. If you feel like you have the worst case, believe me, there’s always a weird story behind every student in finishing their thesis. That’s totally okay to feel a little tired, disappointed, or even mad because I also did. But hello, this question: “why do I do this in a hurry and overthink about graduating ASAP” – is start to bite my brain.

I finished my pantry activity in a hurry, then continued to stare at my laptop. I sipped my black coffee. My cup didn’t look artsy, the coffee is totally in a mess.

The On the Way - Date

It was a week ago when I went to Denpasar promptly at 7 in the morning and almost die doing things at the campus until night. Got so mad of people who talked a lot, I cancelled my plan to punch them but had dinner with a man. I wasn't hungry at all, but got sick and tired.

We sat in an Angkringan, and things seemed a bit better. I squeezed his hand and he was about to laugh and pity me at the same time. It kinda funny when I need his fingers just to make me feel better, I guess he was thinking like that. And I was right.

"Ah, if only you're my wife, I would really like to drive you home, prepare your dinner, and treat you right 'till you fall asleep on my chest." he once said.

I smiled for what he had said. Damn cute to be true.
But anyway we're not that kinda sweet couple that say that kinda cute sentences everyday, so when he talked like that, it just tickled me.

Time to go home. In fact, he left his car at home and we had to ride a motorbike, Denpasar-Gianyar. 5 minutes on the road, I still tried to talk while the pain on my head was getting worse. I didn't know if he could read me that easy but he asked me to stop talking. I complied to him without any word out of my throat since I was too tired that I put my chin on his shoulder. He patted my leg, suggest me to sleep. Well, I didn't really mind to sleep on a motorbike, actually. Kinda danger.

I almost fell asleep. I tried to open my eyes, but then he patted my legs again and I unconsciously closed my eyes. He rode slowly that it felt so comfy to take a nap. He hold my hand sometimes just to make sure that I still with him. It seemed like we passed through the bypass when I felt the way is quiet smooth and headache attacked me harder. Couldn't be much stronger, I hugged him tight. I mostly hate people who do PDA in public place, but at that time I just couldn't reach the point of thinking about PDA. It felt like someone put a big rock on my head and all I could do was just hugged him and closed my eyes. I found him rode with his right hand only, while his other hand was holding my hands on his stomach. I didn't know if I almost fell to the road or what but I remembered he sometimes pull my hand and made me hugged him more tight.

It was in Gianyar already when I woke up with his fingers fit perfectly in my fingers. He just realized that I was awake and suddenly kissed my hand.

***

A few months before he also drove me home, Seminyak-Gianyar at 3 a.m. It was one of the most tiring day ever! I handled a party and it did hit my head right after it ended. I laid my back in his car with his left hand moved comfortably on my hair for about 1,5 hours. Yes, he was driving with his one and only right hand, Seminyak-Gianyar.

*** 

And yesterday I found my self with that guy again.  He offered me a picking up service since it was too night to go home for a woman with skirt and flat shoes. I sat in his car at 00.00 and we talked a lot on our way to Gianyar. Without any pain in my head, I listened him well when he told me about his Mum and the arguments between them on the dinning table. He also told me about supporters who fight each other in a football match, and about his friends, and about how silly I was, and ended up with the topic about why we're together and how awkward it would be if we broke up. Time flied so fast that I couldn't feel enough of the 45 minutes on the way.

***

Vredeburg, 2011

Well, hello. It was me with the delegations of Nusa Tenggara Barat who join the IPTEK competition in Yogyakarta. I've seen a lot of things lately and felt so happy of this event.

Jadi di sini gue ketemu sama perwakilan anak SMP seluruh Indonesia buat presentasiin hasil karya kita yang bermanfaat untuk orang banyak. Gue bawa dedaunan yang diolah dan bisa dijadiin pewarna dan pengawet alami. Nggak menang sih, but the experience is really worth. Dari awalnya gue penelitian ke Universitas Mataram, make laboratorium anak kuliahan, sampe dibantu penelitian sama dosen - dosen di sana.

Tapi di sini, feel yang gue dapet bukan soal lombanya dan gimana gue jadi so ilmiah ngelakuin penelitian dan presentasi di depan para dosen. Ini masalah acaranya. Di sini ada acara pengenalan budaya seluruh Indonesia. Ada stand - stand yang panitianya berasal dari 33 provinsi dan bikin pameran soal keunikan budaya mereka. Jadi gue dapet fotoan sama orang yang make pakaian khas Dayak (yang fotonya entah kesimpen di kamera siapa), nyobain main alat musik Sasando, liat cara bikin tenunan Ulos, dan lain - lain. Asique.

Satu lagi, di acara ini juga ada lomba - lomba untuk penyandang disabilitas di seluruh Indonesia. Sumpah gue baru tau kalo penyandang disabilitas ternyata sehebat mereka. Ada yang bisa desain, pinter melukis, ya ampun pokoknya gue beneran baru pertama kali ngeliat yang begini. Gue sempat nonton pementasan group band anak - anak yang isinya penyandang disabilitas semua. Waktu mereka check sound, gue sempet underestimate mereka, like omg buat check sound aja mereka butuh bantuan banyak orang. Tapi gue bener - bener nggak nyangka waktu mereka mulai main. Yang main gitar keren, yang main drumnggak kalah keren, yang main keyboard juga cantikkk banget dan yang main biola bener - bener anggun. Sampegue denger vokalisnya nyanyi, gila gue langsung nangis. Bagus bangetttttt. Waktu itu gue nangis sejadi - jadinya. Mereka bikin merenung kalo selama ini gue kurang bersyukur. Ya, mungkin agak bullshit ya nangis sama merenungnya, soalnya habis nonton mereka dan keluar dari ruangan ini, terus liat orang yang lebih hebat dari gue rasa syukur gue bisa tiba - tiba menguap. Tapi setidaknya mereka nambah pengetahuan gue kalo ternyata ada yang seperti itu di sekitar kita. Punya kekurangan sekaligus kelebihan.Hebat.

Kerdil

Just because you live in Bali, it doesn't mean life gets easier.

Tempatmu pulang dekat. Keluargamu dekat. Temanmu banyak. Kamu adalah kaum mayoritas. Serba gampang. Ya gara - gara itu, semuanya jadi susah. 

Yang gampang itu yang bikin kamu gak perlu bergerak. Rumah yang dekat itu yang bikin kamu kelewat mager buat bangun dari tempat tidurmu yang paling enak. Sanak family dan teman - teman yang dekat itu bikin gosip siang nggak habis - habis sampai tengah malam. Life just too happy to be true. Satu lagi, Bali itu lebih ke tempat main, tempat hidup yang menyenangkan, karena tempat dan orang -orangnya benar menyenangkan. Tempat ini memang ada buat having fun. 

Padahal, anak 18 tahun ini lagi pingin belajar banyak. Pingin tahu lebih banyak dan belajar hidup lebih baik. Cuma ya gitu. Di sini, "belajar hidup yang bener" bukan jadi prioritas. Rasanya agak sulit. Rasanya bakal belajar sendiri. Sulit nemu partner yang sejenis karena mayoritas orang mindsetnya sudah condong ke having fun dan hedonisme. 

Bukan masalah sih sebenarnya, semasih mainnya di sini - sini. Cuma, kalau sudah liat ke luar, kadang rasanya pingin nangis. Liat teman di luar sana yang sudah jauh nembus langit, sementara diri sendiri di sini masih kerdil, kerdil sekali. 

Hari Raya

Orang menghargai lebih buat semua yang nggak mereka genggam, nggak mereka lihat, dan nggak mereka punya.

Kaya hari raya.

Banyak orang di rantau sana menghargai hari raya jauh lebih deep ketimbang orang yang ada di kampung halaman yang bisa ngerasain euforia hari raya. Mereka yang di rantau itu sepenuh hati, berusaha sendiri buat bikin hari itu raya. Mereka lebih taat, lebih sadar diri, dan lebih baper sama hari raya ketimbang orang di kampung yang, well, berhari raya sering kali bukan dari hati, tapi karena kewajiban di tempat tinggal.

Individu baik dan Gentha butuh jadi begitu. Gentha perlu lebih mengharahai diri sendiri, perlu menghargai identitas diri .

Kasi Genta nyicipin hari raya dari luar negeri, dong. Supaya hari raya itu semakin bervalue. Supaya Gentha bisa jadi lebih sayang sama hari rayanya.

Anyway, selamat hari raya Nyepi buat yang merayakan.

Selamat melihat gerhana matahari total.

Selamat woman international day.

God Bless Us😊 

January, 28, 2016

I sat there, finished my last slice of pizza untill he said we need some more dessert. I choosed tiramissu then he left me there. He was going to make some order, I was thinking like that. 

I heard his favorite song when he came back, but I didn't really care. I didn't pay attention if this cafe really turned on their speaker and played some good music since we arrived. 

"Your favs." I once told him.

He smiled, but not to me. I thought he was so happy because the dessert was ready. Yes, I was right. The waitress came and put the cake on our table. 

And also brought me this.

He gave me his smile, and I was like oh God, my friend just getting crazy. It was a lil bit awkward when he said "You know what I mean."

And it got to be more awkward when he asked me "Your answer?"

I sipped my strawberry juice, tried to hide my cheeks if it suddenly blush. "You know what it goes to be."

"Not clear enough.", he said.

"Well, yes.", I directly said.

And we laughed.

"Sorry if this is not going to be so sweet. The friendship still lies between us, and it feels really awkward to be too sweet.", he said. 

I really thankful of that words. Honestly, I just felt guilty over all of this. He is my friend since my first time being in high school. It just clear, too clear until last month. He is an enemy, a boy to fight with every damn where. And this day, everything has changed. This is crazy. Really really crazy.