Full moon

I wish to have a right man accompany me, to sit next to me, to send same prayer as I do. 

I wish to walk with him under the moonlight and feeling content. 

I wish I'm sure that I'm doing things right. 

All these wishes are coming true. 

Skripsi featuring Kopiku yang Berantakan

I read too many things, listened too many stories, also watched too many videos which not belong to what I exactly need. I left the thing that really matter there on the table while my head was actually full of that stuff. The thesis.

I poured my cup boiled water and the water turns black. I love how it smells. I stirred it rough.  I thought I need to finish this activity as fast as possible. The thesis was waiting for me.

This is funny. Lately I just keep on telling myself that graduate fast has no correlation with any source of money. I don’t know whether it is true or not. But back then today I found myself sick of it. Normally, people are graduated on their 4^th year in college. I’ve spend 3 and a quarter years and somehow feels kicked in the ass, pushed to immediately go out of my own campus. Its not that I hate my college life, or my college life hates me.  Its ……… I don’t know, my friends are graduating too early and I don’t want to be a snail among the rabbits.

I remembered that time when I got back from living-in-a-village-for-one-month program, some friends had just done the seminar of their research proposal. Again, when I got back to campus after 2 weeks in the IMF and World Bank Annual Meeting, I saw a friend taking pictures with all those flowers and congraduation and “balon S.E”. I cursed her. I cursed myself.

Other day I thought about why should I chase people. I have a good time to do everything I wished to do previously, as a pre-adult person, under the label: student. I told you once, I read books, and none of them pursue everybody to graduate fast but here I am working in a hurry to finish my last chapter.

I don’t want to complain about how my progress are going. This actually happen to all the students in general, I tell you. If you feel like you have the worst case, believe me, there’s always a weird story behind every student in finishing their thesis. That’s totally okay to feel a little tired, disappointed, or even mad because I also did. But hello, this question: “why do I do this in a hurry and overthink about graduating ASAP” – is start to bite my brain.

I finished my pantry activity in a hurry, then continued to stare at my laptop. I sipped my black coffee. My cup didn’t look artsy, the coffee is totally in a mess.

The On the Way - Date

It was a week ago when I went to Denpasar promptly at 7 in the morning and almost die doing things at the campus until night. Got so mad of people who talked a lot, I cancelled my plan to punch them but had dinner with a man. I wasn't hungry at all, but got sick and tired.

We sat in an Angkringan, and things seemed a bit better. I squeezed his hand and he was about to laugh and pity me at the same time. It kinda funny when I need his fingers just to make me feel better, I guess he was thinking like that. And I was right.

"Ah, if only you're my wife, I would really like to drive you home, prepare your dinner, and treat you right 'till you fall asleep on my chest." he once said.

I smiled for what he had said. Damn cute to be true.
But anyway we're not that kinda sweet couple that say that kinda cute sentences everyday, so when he talked like that, it just tickled me.

Time to go home. In fact, he left his car at home and we had to ride a motorbike, Denpasar-Gianyar. 5 minutes on the road, I still tried to talk while the pain on my head was getting worse. I didn't know if he could read me that easy but he asked me to stop talking. I complied to him without any word out of my throat since I was too tired that I put my chin on his shoulder. He patted my leg, suggest me to sleep. Well, I didn't really mind to sleep on a motorbike, actually. Kinda danger.

I almost fell asleep. I tried to open my eyes, but then he patted my legs again and I unconsciously closed my eyes. He rode slowly that it felt so comfy to take a nap. He hold my hand sometimes just to make sure that I still with him. It seemed like we passed through the bypass when I felt the way is quiet smooth and headache attacked me harder. Couldn't be much stronger, I hugged him tight. I mostly hate people who do PDA in public place, but at that time I just couldn't reach the point of thinking about PDA. It felt like someone put a big rock on my head and all I could do was just hugged him and closed my eyes. I found him rode with his right hand only, while his other hand was holding my hands on his stomach. I didn't know if I almost fell to the road or what but I remembered he sometimes pull my hand and made me hugged him more tight.

It was in Gianyar already when I woke up with his fingers fit perfectly in my fingers. He just realized that I was awake and suddenly kissed my hand.

***

A few months before he also drove me home, Seminyak-Gianyar at 3 a.m. It was one of the most tiring day ever! I handled a party and it did hit my head right after it ended. I laid my back in his car with his left hand moved comfortably on my hair for about 1,5 hours. Yes, he was driving with his one and only right hand, Seminyak-Gianyar.

*** 

And yesterday I found my self with that guy again.  He offered me a picking up service since it was too night to go home for a woman with skirt and flat shoes. I sat in his car at 00.00 and we talked a lot on our way to Gianyar. Without any pain in my head, I listened him well when he told me about his Mum and the arguments between them on the dinning table. He also told me about supporters who fight each other in a football match, and about his friends, and about how silly I was, and ended up with the topic about why we're together and how awkward it would be if we broke up. Time flied so fast that I couldn't feel enough of the 45 minutes on the way.

***

Vredeburg, 2011

Well, hello. It was me with the delegations of Nusa Tenggara Barat who join the IPTEK competition in Yogyakarta. I've seen a lot of things lately and felt so happy of this event.

Jadi di sini gue ketemu sama perwakilan anak SMP seluruh Indonesia buat presentasiin hasil karya kita yang bermanfaat untuk orang banyak. Gue bawa dedaunan yang diolah dan bisa dijadiin pewarna dan pengawet alami. Nggak menang sih, but the experience is really worth. Dari awalnya gue penelitian ke Universitas Mataram, make laboratorium anak kuliahan, sampe dibantu penelitian sama dosen - dosen di sana.

Tapi di sini, feel yang gue dapet bukan soal lombanya dan gimana gue jadi so ilmiah ngelakuin penelitian dan presentasi di depan para dosen. Ini masalah acaranya. Di sini ada acara pengenalan budaya seluruh Indonesia. Ada stand - stand yang panitianya berasal dari 33 provinsi dan bikin pameran soal keunikan budaya mereka. Jadi gue dapet fotoan sama orang yang make pakaian khas Dayak (yang fotonya entah kesimpen di kamera siapa), nyobain main alat musik Sasando, liat cara bikin tenunan Ulos, dan lain - lain. Asique.

Satu lagi, di acara ini juga ada lomba - lomba untuk penyandang disabilitas di seluruh Indonesia. Sumpah gue baru tau kalo penyandang disabilitas ternyata sehebat mereka. Ada yang bisa desain, pinter melukis, ya ampun pokoknya gue beneran baru pertama kali ngeliat yang begini. Gue sempat nonton pementasan group band anak - anak yang isinya penyandang disabilitas semua. Waktu mereka check sound, gue sempet underestimate mereka, like omg buat check sound aja mereka butuh bantuan banyak orang. Tapi gue bener - bener nggak nyangka waktu mereka mulai main. Yang main gitar keren, yang main drumnggak kalah keren, yang main keyboard juga cantikkk banget dan yang main biola bener - bener anggun. Sampegue denger vokalisnya nyanyi, gila gue langsung nangis. Bagus bangetttttt. Waktu itu gue nangis sejadi - jadinya. Mereka bikin merenung kalo selama ini gue kurang bersyukur. Ya, mungkin agak bullshit ya nangis sama merenungnya, soalnya habis nonton mereka dan keluar dari ruangan ini, terus liat orang yang lebih hebat dari gue rasa syukur gue bisa tiba - tiba menguap. Tapi setidaknya mereka nambah pengetahuan gue kalo ternyata ada yang seperti itu di sekitar kita. Punya kekurangan sekaligus kelebihan.Hebat.

Kerdil

Just because you live in Bali, it doesn't mean life gets easier.

Tempatmu pulang dekat. Keluargamu dekat. Temanmu banyak. Kamu adalah kaum mayoritas. Serba gampang. Ya gara - gara itu, semuanya jadi susah. 

Yang gampang itu yang bikin kamu gak perlu bergerak. Rumah yang dekat itu yang bikin kamu kelewat mager buat bangun dari tempat tidurmu yang paling enak. Sanak family dan teman - teman yang dekat itu bikin gosip siang nggak habis - habis sampai tengah malam. Life just too happy to be true. Satu lagi, Bali itu lebih ke tempat main, tempat hidup yang menyenangkan, karena tempat dan orang -orangnya benar menyenangkan. Tempat ini memang ada buat having fun. 

Padahal, anak 18 tahun ini lagi pingin belajar banyak. Pingin tahu lebih banyak dan belajar hidup lebih baik. Cuma ya gitu. Di sini, "belajar hidup yang bener" bukan jadi prioritas. Rasanya agak sulit. Rasanya bakal belajar sendiri. Sulit nemu partner yang sejenis karena mayoritas orang mindsetnya sudah condong ke having fun dan hedonisme. 

Bukan masalah sih sebenarnya, semasih mainnya di sini - sini. Cuma, kalau sudah liat ke luar, kadang rasanya pingin nangis. Liat teman di luar sana yang sudah jauh nembus langit, sementara diri sendiri di sini masih kerdil, kerdil sekali. 

Hari Raya

Orang menghargai lebih buat semua yang nggak mereka genggam, nggak mereka lihat, dan nggak mereka punya.

Kaya hari raya.

Banyak orang di rantau sana menghargai hari raya jauh lebih deep ketimbang orang yang ada di kampung halaman yang bisa ngerasain euforia hari raya. Mereka yang di rantau itu sepenuh hati, berusaha sendiri buat bikin hari itu raya. Mereka lebih taat, lebih sadar diri, dan lebih baper sama hari raya ketimbang orang di kampung yang, well, berhari raya sering kali bukan dari hati, tapi karena kewajiban di tempat tinggal.

Individu baik dan Gentha butuh jadi begitu. Gentha perlu lebih mengharahai diri sendiri, perlu menghargai identitas diri .

Kasi Genta nyicipin hari raya dari luar negeri, dong. Supaya hari raya itu semakin bervalue. Supaya Gentha bisa jadi lebih sayang sama hari rayanya.

Anyway, selamat hari raya Nyepi buat yang merayakan.

Selamat melihat gerhana matahari total.

Selamat woman international day.

God Bless Us😊 

January, 28, 2016

I sat there, finished my last slice of pizza untill he said we need some more dessert. I choosed tiramissu then he left me there. He was going to make some order, I was thinking like that. 

I heard his favorite song when he came back, but I didn't really care. I didn't pay attention if this cafe really turned on their speaker and played some good music since we arrived. 

"Your favs." I once told him.

He smiled, but not to me. I thought he was so happy because the dessert was ready. Yes, I was right. The waitress came and put the cake on our table. 

And also brought me this.

He gave me his smile, and I was like oh God, my friend just getting crazy. It was a lil bit awkward when he said "You know what I mean."

And it got to be more awkward when he asked me "Your answer?"

I sipped my strawberry juice, tried to hide my cheeks if it suddenly blush. "You know what it goes to be."

"Not clear enough.", he said.

"Well, yes.", I directly said.

And we laughed.

"Sorry if this is not going to be so sweet. The friendship still lies between us, and it feels really awkward to be too sweet.", he said. 

I really thankful of that words. Honestly, I just felt guilty over all of this. He is my friend since my first time being in high school. It just clear, too clear until last month. He is an enemy, a boy to fight with every damn where. And this day, everything has changed. This is crazy. Really really crazy.

Can Please Everyone? Kamu Greget.

"Sudah berapa tahun kamu hidup?"

"18 tahun, Pak. Hampir 19."

"Sudah berapa orang yang kamu buat bahagia?" 

"Umm."

"Sudah berapa orang yang kamu buat kecewa?"

"Emm."

Gue diem, gak bisa jawab. 

Di satu sisi merenung, merasa powerless, merasa bener - bener gak berguna karena rasa - rasanya gue hidup sudah lama tapi berkontribusi terlalu sedikit buat dunia. Gue belum ngapa - ngapain. Jangankan buat dunia, buat orang - orang di sekitar gue aja rasanya gue masih lebih banyak nyusahin daripada bantuin dan bikin bahagia.

Tapi di sisi lain, gue bela diri. Gue udah jadi lumayan berguna kok. Sampe akhirnya gue sibuk ngitungin anak siapa aja yang udah gue bikin terharu nangis bahagia. Ada, ada beberapa. Tapi terlalu sedikit. Gue salah ngitung, matematika gue lemah. No. Gue cuma gak inget orangnya, otak gue lemah. 

Setelah pikir - pikir lagi, akhirnya gue dapet konklusi : Gak tau berapa jumlahnya, yang jelas lebih banyak orang yang gue buat bahagia ketimbang yang gue buat kecewa. Itu, itu jawaban buat pertanyaan di atas.
Gue udah usaha semampunya, gimana caranya biar gue bisa bawa perdamaian dunia yang indah dan semua orang bahagia. Gue udah coba ngelakuin apa pun yang menurut gue paling baik buat semua orang. Gue udah usaha biar semua orang seneng, ya at least  gak marah, gak sedih, dan gak kecewa karena gue.

***

Dan man, ternyata setelah gue pikir - pikir - pikir lagi, ternyata enggak gitu. Gue salah, gue sok tau, gue sok baik.

Gue setiap hari bergerak, dan nggak ada pergerakan yang berat sebelah. Gak ada pergerakan yang efeknya cuma satu. Ibarat akuntansi, hidup ini pembukuan berpasangan, mesti ada yang di debit dan di kredit, di satu sisi bertambah dan di sisi lain berkurang. Ibarat teori ekonomi mikro, hidup ini rivalry in consumption, setiap kepuasan hidup lo nambah satu itu artinya lo bakal ngurangin kepuasan hidup orang lain. 

Simply

Kalo gue dapet nilai ulangan bagus, gue seneng, ortu gue seneng, guru sama temen baik gue juga seneng. Seems positive. Tapi ternyata ada orang yang dongkol di luar sana karena gue kalahin nilainya. 

Kalo mantan gue taken, doi bahagia sama pacar barunya. Apa daya gue yang masih gagal move on kena negative side-nya, galau berkepanjangan sampe rasanya pingin cakar - cakar muka pacar barunya. 

Kalo udah gini salah siapa? Salah gue nyari kesenengan buat diri sendiri dan ngorbanin orang lain? Salah gue kalo nilai gue bagus dan temen gue kesel?

Atau salah orang lain yang nyari kesenengan buat dirinya sendiri dan ngorbanin gue? Salah mantan kalo taken dan gue dibiarin galau?

Ga juga, man. 

Pada dasarnya tiap orang usaha buat nyenengin dirinya sendiri. Bukan cuma gue, tapi setiap orang. 

Semua orang juga seneng kalo kesenengannya bisa dibagi sama orang lain. Setiap orang juga mau dunia ini aman, tenteram, damai, dan hidup bahagia selamanya. 

Masalahnya kalo bisa, kalo aja bisa. 

Kalo aja acceptance itu gampang. Kalo aja nerima kita kalah, kita salah, kita lelah itu gampang. 

Abang gue pernah bilang :

If you mind to please anyone, you have to sacrifice your own self. 

Help everyone, everyone would be happy, but you lost your chance.

Cheer everyone, everyone would be happy, but you get tired of them.

Ngomong soal mikro ekonomi lagi, katanya, happiness is a scarce. Jumlahnya terbatas. Jadi mesti rebutan. Yang nggak kebagian, jangan salahin yang dapet bagian. 

Peace up. 

The Korean drama once told me this. 

To make everything clear. To say yes or no instead of maybe, so no one would expect me that high. 

But it just hard, baby. 

Cause I'm afraid of disappointed people. 

Bangun.

Bangun.

Biar subuhnya dingin, biar yang dikodein gak juga ngasi pelukan, biar rasanya berat, bangun itu harus. Harus.

Tidur dan sembunyi nggak bakal bikin semuanya lebih baik.

Ada pagi di luar sana. Ada harapan, ada yang indah, ada semuanya.

Jangan biarin pagi ini hilang.

Keluar.

Subuh sudah tadi, sudah lewat.

Dingin itu harusnya sudah pergi.

Peluk itu harusnya sudah nggak diharapkan lagi.

Ada matahari, orang lain juga sudah banyak yang bangun.

Keluar.

Lihat orang lain bangun dan bersenang – senang di pagi hari bakal jadi lebih sakit dari waktu subuh.

Bangun.

Nikmati.

Buat bahagia sendiri. 

Numb

 

Hmh.
It's all the breath with nothing that fulfil my brain this second. Somehow feels so numb. Not happy, not sad, but blank. Sitting in a place with mie ayam and teh botol all alone, seeing the vehicles passing by under the super hot sunshine, I find my self asking to me : what is this? what am I doing right here?
I dont know, why I asked so.

Commonly, life has its own sense : sweet, or bitter or probably salty. But me right now just feeling nothing. I'm just forget that way how to be sad and happy, how to cheer, how to be in love and much much much more how to be. I lost me. I lost the point of doing life, I don't know why. I had lost the spirit, the love and the desire, being numb like today and yesterday, feels empty both in the head and chest. The life begin with nothing’s left. The dream has gone, the love lost it’s way, and the believe falls. Again, I have to build a new life, promptly from zero.  


Kadang rasanya pingin nge-rewind semuanya dari awal. Pingin balik ke belakang, usaha lebih keras lagi supaya mimpinya nggak terbang ke mana - mana. Pingin mencinta lebih baik supaya pacarnya nggak jadi mantan. Pingin baca lebih banyak supaya tau lebih banyak. Pingin nyari temen lebih banyak supaya hidup lebih menyenangkan. Pingin berdoa lebih sering supaya galaunya makin jarang. Pingin makan lebih sedikit, lari lebih jauh, tidur lebih cukup, travelling lebih sering, tertawa lebih banyak, dan lain lain lain.

But I can't.

Yesterday is yesterday and I have no idea about going back to the past.
I have to move foward within the great me, the great life. 
Just tell me how to start again.
I beg.

The Art of High School Life

Zaman edan.

Waktu gue males banget bangun pagi tapi sama sekali nggak pernah telat.

Waktu sembahyang pagi di sekolah bukan cuma buat ketemu Tuhan, tapi buat liatin doi. 

Waktu bikin guru marah adalah hal yang lucu.

Waktu gue sering bolos tapi ngakunya dispen.

Waktu kelompok gue presentasi, guenya diem di kantin.

Waktu jam kosong nyanyi rame - rame di kelas.

Waktu gue sering masuk koran. 

Waktu ngelanggar peraturan jadi trend.

Waktu iphone5 jadi gadget primadona.

Waktu ulang tahun jadi hal yang seru dan spesial.

Waktu gue pada akhirnya nyesel nggak ngerti matematika.

Waktu main sama mereka sampe larut dan dikunciin Emak.

Waktu gue ngerti enaknya jadi manusia umur belasan yang udah bisa kemana - mana dan ngapa - ngapain.

Waktu gue nggak punya rasa takut.

Waktu gue nggak peduli soal besok dan besoknya lagi.

Waktu tanggung jawab bukan jadi beban.

Waktu masa depan bukan jadi prioritas.

Waktu bisa bebas.

Selamat ulang tahun, kemarin.
Semoga bahagia
Maaf long postnya kapan2 aja ya. Mager. 

ZAD

Hidup kadang berat. 

Kadang kita pingin maju, tapi dunia bilang nggak boleh.

sering kita pingin jadi sesuatu yang lebih baik, tapi dunia nggak ngasi kesempatan. 

Katanya, dunia cuma butuh kita yang segini aja. Bukan kita yang hebat dan luar biasa.

Rasanya jahat. 

The Wanting

Late night between the blank space and all the tiredness of thinking, I found you again.

I found that teeth and the lips.

I found the eyes sink in the cheek, like yeah I always in love with the way it sinks and be squinty.

I found a simple word went out of the throath. 

I found you like how you was on yesterday morning. 

I have had a deal with all those acceptance.Yes, I had already accepted all the matter about we-dont-own-each-other-anymore. 

But last night, all those old story was just repeated like again and again.

With a new beautiful version.

But the same old us. 

Over this guilty I admit. Last night, the wanting was coming again.

The Boy and The Bra

"Sir, may I move there?" kata anak laki - laki yang duduk di belakang, sambil nunjuk bangku kosong di sebelah gue.
"Yes of course. I like the way you pay attention to my lesson. Sitting quiet near to the speaker gonna improve your concentration" jawab si Bapak guru Bahasa Inggris dengan muka berbinar.

10 menit berlalu setelah voice record latihan listening selesai diputar.

 "Ta, lo tau kenapa gue pindah ke sini?" tanya si anak laki - laki.
"Jangan mendadak sok rajin gitu deh, sore - sore gini mau serius belajar."
 "Coba lo liat cewek - cewek di depan. Pake kaus putih transparan gitu. BH-nya keliatan jelas kalo dari deket.", jawab si anak laki - laki sambil cekikikan. 

Happy Sweet Seventeen

I'm happy along this age, seventeen. Everythings are just so sweet on my seventeen. I'm accepted in a best Perguruan Tinggi Negeri in this seventeen. I love my seventeen. People loving me. God bless me.
(to be continue..... bakal ngepost rada panjang, tapi entaran. gue belum dapet pict buat postingan ini. keep reading!)

If there's a thing you shoulda remember when you crashes down, it gonna be this thing :

God gives you all you need.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Ppl (including me) do sum celebration over this thing, for the new year, and I dunno why.
I mean, what to celebrate?
Too happy that they can pass 2013 and keep alive, so they need to celebrate it. Is it?

Whatever it is, Im just going to wish a (lotta) things in this post :
That new year equals to new expectation, new friends, new boyfriend, new place to go, new medals, new great moments, new chance, and new happiness.

Well, thats all.
HAPPY 2014!

Girls, Sanur, Bali, and beautiful new year eve. 

HURT

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes.

 

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again.
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes and see you looking back

If I had just one more day

I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away

It's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

-Lagu langka-